I had the beginning of a panic attack two mornings ago. It's been YEARS since I've had an actual panic attack. I've been stressed, sure. But, I'd forgotten the intense nature of an actual attack: when you become aware that the reason you don't feel like you're crying normally, and the reason you don't understand your own sounds, is because your body has already set the wheels in motion and you've become a passenger; at the mercy of the chemical reactions taking place inside you. Thankfully, I became aware early on. And I focused on breathing deeply, pushing aside the short bursts that were coming so easily, so rhythmically to my chest.
I guess I'm pretty run down. I knew it already. I'd been trying to tell my husband, but I guess I don't know how to do that very well. Anyway, he has his fair share of difficulties! How do you draw a line between showing that you are really at the end of your rope...and the day to day expression of things that are frustrating, annoying, tiring etc?
And what do you do about it? We have two young children. The youngest is still breast fed and fairly reliant on my proximity for the most part. My husband is the bread winner. He gets tired and broken too. In the daytime, it's often just the girls and I. And the chores, oh the chores!
How do you give to each other when you feel like you've given all you have already? Failing that, how do you stop yourselves from hurting each other more? We need to keep each other afloat in these times especially. But it's hard.
But I guess that's where love must prevail. If we didn't love, then the resentment would drown us. And, although it feels close at times, the truth is that the thought of losing my family isn't worth thinking about. So, I'm looking for ways to help myself. I know I need more time: more time to sleep, more time alone, more time to swim, more time to study things that interest me or fill me up emotionally...it feels selfish, so selfish. But I think I need all this so that I have more to give again. Some days I don't like who I am. I don't want to be tired, grumpy, snappy, unmotivated and unwashed! I want my children to experience fun, adventure, calm direction and love.
I suffered at the hands of breastfeeding aversion, and the feelings of being 'touched' out, with my first daughter (see old post) and I know that the warning signs are already here. The innocent hands of my dear children becoming irritating probes that know nothing of personal space, the anger in the night when the baby accidentally kicks me or wakes yet AGAIN, my body flinching from my children's bodies when they try to hold on to -or lean on- me one time too many.
I need this to end. Sometimes love pushes us to our limits and it feels like it tries to push us out of our minds...But that's not love doing that,v that's lack of love for ourselves.
My husband is back to work on Monday, after a couple of weeks off with an injury. We're both dreading it! So, I need to take this moment to realign my thoughts. I will not be a victim to this. I have love on my side, and inside.
By writing this publicly, I hope that I will feel more responsibility towards making this next week -and beyond- a success.
I will get to bed earlier
I will be more patient with my family
I will look for ways to fill myself up emotionally
I will find ways to alleviate tension and pain
I will look for the goodness
This is a work in progress, wish me luck.
And to anyone else feeling lost, I send you love.
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