There are some fiercely debated parenting topics out there but none to my knowledge that are quite as heated as vaccine debates. The extreme views on both sides can be overwhelming.
You know what? I'm not going to even tell you which side of the fence I'm standing. Why? Because, for this, it's irrelevant. Yep, completely unimportant.
What gets my back up, more than anything else with this, is the seeming lack of empathy from the people who either write, post, share or 'like' the really menacing stuff.
Let's just get something straight. We're all different. We're NEVER going to all agree on things. There are parenting practices that I, after much reading, deem to be potentially damaging. Many such practices are sold to us under the pretense that the 'professional' advocating it is just that: a professional. With that word, we assume an in depth knowledge of the most up to the minute research. Or, at least I do. But, sadly, that's not always the case. This upsets me no end...BUT, I do not, for one minute, condemn any parent who uses any of these practices. We're all just trying to piece this crazy puzzle together as best we can.
I truly believe that, for the vast majority of parents, NOBODY could love their children more than THEM. That means that any choice they make for the health of their children has been done with the child's best interests at heart. Some people have better education, more money, more time...whatever. But, it all boils down to love.
Who will be the ones staying up late at night discussing the best schools for your kids? Who will be the ones welling up with pride when their child takes its first steps, or draws a face that in actuality resembles a homemade pizza? Who will be the ones sleeplessly, and selflessly, waiting on your child's every need in times of sickness? And who would be the ones whose lives would be irreversibly cracked and darkened if they ever had the unthinkable horror of losing a child?
I think we know the answer.
So, have your opinion -hopefully you're confident in it and it brings you and your child the best possible outcome, and by all means discuss it with others. But don't for one minute think that you know, or truly understand, what another parent is capable of. And please don't underestimate another parents love for their child, or their respect for yours. Just as you would hope others to do the same for you. Love and respect, y'all! X
Thursday 29 January 2015
Wednesday 28 January 2015
So, should I stop complimenting people? (A follow up to 'It's Not A Competition'
I had the good fortune to come across a comment to one of my recent posts (http://nolabelmama.blogspot.co.nz/2015/01/its-not-competition.html) somewhere in the land of Web. A woman saying that it confused her and, essentially, made her think that perhaps she should avoid complimenting others for fear of unknowingly upsetting others.
So, let's talk about that.
I think compliments can be wonderful. They can turn an ordinary day into a glowing one; one where your stand straighter, walk with purpose, smiling all the while, bolstered simply by a few kind words. They can turn a dark day into one of hope and resolution. Please, don't stop your kindness!
But, I believe, that they can be constricting: compounding limitations that are put on us but society.
So, if you're compliment involves, for example, telling a woman how great she looks, then consider adding something like 'and how are you feeling?' Or, 'but have you had much time to *insert personal hobby here*?' Giving genuine opportunities for women to talk about themselves as a whole, rather than assuming that, because she looks good to you, she must be happy (it's so easy to do, we are constantly bombarded with the message that, as a woman, all else pales in importance compared to our appearance) is a really tangible thing we can all strive to do for each other.
I say: keep on complimenting! But, mix it up. Look for beauty where you don't usually; notice the things about people that you love...and tell them; open yourself up to genuine curiosity about other people's lives; personalities, dreams, hobbies, worries, talents; get to really know them.
I say this with an air of someone who has perfected this, but that's far from the truth. I am a work in progress, and always will be.
So, let's talk about that.
I think compliments can be wonderful. They can turn an ordinary day into a glowing one; one where your stand straighter, walk with purpose, smiling all the while, bolstered simply by a few kind words. They can turn a dark day into one of hope and resolution. Please, don't stop your kindness!
But, I believe, that they can be constricting: compounding limitations that are put on us but society.
So, if you're compliment involves, for example, telling a woman how great she looks, then consider adding something like 'and how are you feeling?' Or, 'but have you had much time to *insert personal hobby here*?' Giving genuine opportunities for women to talk about themselves as a whole, rather than assuming that, because she looks good to you, she must be happy (it's so easy to do, we are constantly bombarded with the message that, as a woman, all else pales in importance compared to our appearance) is a really tangible thing we can all strive to do for each other.
I say: keep on complimenting! But, mix it up. Look for beauty where you don't usually; notice the things about people that you love...and tell them; open yourself up to genuine curiosity about other people's lives; personalities, dreams, hobbies, worries, talents; get to really know them.
I say this with an air of someone who has perfected this, but that's far from the truth. I am a work in progress, and always will be.
Sunday 25 January 2015
It's not a competition
'It's not a competition' : it's something my husband sometimes says, quite rightly (though whether I ever admit that at the time is doubtful), when we're both exhausted and stressed, or hurting. These kids bring with them many challenges as well as many blessings. As things stand, he is the bread winner and I am the stay at home parent. At this point, we can never truly understand the intricate difficulties each of us face in our different roles. I wish we could.
Similarly, women - I address women only as that is who I have this experience with - often have inner conflicts that others don't really know about. I believe that our society places a huge amount of damaging pressure onto girls and women about their appearance, to the extent that looking 'good' can take precedent over all other aspects of life. As a mother, I experience this on a different level to what I have done previously, although there are reflections of my pre-parenthood life within those experiences.
It would seem that I am naturally slim. And even writing that, I feel that I am somehow showing off...But please, think before you judge. For starters, who exactly decided that slim was best? What is slim for one person may be underweight for another. Does being slim equal good health? Does the person inside the body like themselves? Do they have a good quality of life? Are they healthy?
Here is a brief summary, so as not to dwell, of the things that have been a part of my life...as well as being slim:
Constantly wanting food and often feeling shaky, nauseous etc if I go too long without
Eating disorder/mental health issues ie depression and anxiety that ate away about a third of my life so far; a third of my life that I should have been having adventures, learning who I was, LIVING
Auto immune thyroid disease
Hyper mobility syndrome - prone to injury and chronic pain
Migraines/headaches
Lethargy
Insecurity
Drug abuse
Slipped disc
Emergency c section and accompanying grief and trauma
Intense second birth that seemed emotionally healing but has left me physically struggling....
Sometimes, well meaning women tell me 'Wow, you don't look like you've had two kids!' (Which evidently I do, because I have, but anyway...)
And I know they think it's a compliment, so thank you, but when was the last time that any of them complimented me on something intellectual or creative?
And, why do I feel that I want -need, even- to tell them how this body that doesn't look like it's had two kids FEELS? Because it definitely feels like it's had two kids, enduring nearly 6 hours of pushing with a posterior baby for the last birth, having left my tailbone battered and -this is the bit I struggle with most- a prolapse. So, now I can't readily lift my children without feeling I'm worsening things, jumping feels horrible, running is for urgent situations only, I can't skip or dance properly. Yeah, I feel like the world's most boring mum. And I feel like fitness and physical fun are miles away...maybe even just a dream.
And why do I feel like, to tell this side of things, is taboo? How many women needlessly suffer in SILENCE? A prolapse is, to many, embarrassing, disempowering, limiting, uncomfortable, depressing..
Why is it OK to make judgments, even seemingly positive ones, about other women's appearance without expecting, wanting or enabling that woman to feel comfortable to give an account of her WHOLE self?
Why, oh why, must we be seduced into believing that our self worth and the definition of ourselves is rooted in our appearance?
It wastes so much of our collective, and personal, time and energy. I look back at the decade or so that I fought with the devil in the guise of an eating disorder and I shudder. What a horrible, disgusting waste of MY life. Nobody else's. MINE. I don't get that back. It's gone. And it's shadows still flit across my life from time to time. Since this whole prolapse business, I've felt those shadows gather into clouds and I am trying to ward off any impending storms.
So, it saddens me when women who are, for example, going to the gym regularly each week, jumping merrily on trampolines with their children, and are healthy....don't LIKE themselves...because they aren't happy with how they look, or feel they need to lose more weight. Because, right NOW this is YOUR life. Whether or not you believe in after life, multiple lives, one life and then oblivion...THIS life is yours and it's happening right now...please, try to love yourself. Liking and respecting yourself is a good start.
In ten years time, you don't want to look back and realise how much time you wasted dwelling in the mode of 'I'll be happy when...'
So, in summary, let's stop competing; be it to look better, or to be the one with the best cake making skills....let's also stop competing about how hard things are...because we just don't know what hides behind what we view as desirable. Let's be honest, about it all! The experiences, the highs and lows, our actual feelings...let's be open to hearing things we didn't expect or that make us reasses our own thoughts and perceptions. And let's be compassionate.
Let's waste less time concerned with the aesthetics and live more fulfilling lives; showing our sons and daughters just what a woman can be: anything, everything...whatever she chooses.
Note: New post relating to this uploaded today ( 28/01/15)
Similarly, women - I address women only as that is who I have this experience with - often have inner conflicts that others don't really know about. I believe that our society places a huge amount of damaging pressure onto girls and women about their appearance, to the extent that looking 'good' can take precedent over all other aspects of life. As a mother, I experience this on a different level to what I have done previously, although there are reflections of my pre-parenthood life within those experiences.
It would seem that I am naturally slim. And even writing that, I feel that I am somehow showing off...But please, think before you judge. For starters, who exactly decided that slim was best? What is slim for one person may be underweight for another. Does being slim equal good health? Does the person inside the body like themselves? Do they have a good quality of life? Are they healthy?
Here is a brief summary, so as not to dwell, of the things that have been a part of my life...as well as being slim:
Constantly wanting food and often feeling shaky, nauseous etc if I go too long without
Eating disorder/mental health issues ie depression and anxiety that ate away about a third of my life so far; a third of my life that I should have been having adventures, learning who I was, LIVING
Auto immune thyroid disease
Hyper mobility syndrome - prone to injury and chronic pain
Migraines/headaches
Lethargy
Insecurity
Drug abuse
Slipped disc
Emergency c section and accompanying grief and trauma
Intense second birth that seemed emotionally healing but has left me physically struggling....
Sometimes, well meaning women tell me 'Wow, you don't look like you've had two kids!' (Which evidently I do, because I have, but anyway...)
And I know they think it's a compliment, so thank you, but when was the last time that any of them complimented me on something intellectual or creative?
And, why do I feel that I want -need, even- to tell them how this body that doesn't look like it's had two kids FEELS? Because it definitely feels like it's had two kids, enduring nearly 6 hours of pushing with a posterior baby for the last birth, having left my tailbone battered and -this is the bit I struggle with most- a prolapse. So, now I can't readily lift my children without feeling I'm worsening things, jumping feels horrible, running is for urgent situations only, I can't skip or dance properly. Yeah, I feel like the world's most boring mum. And I feel like fitness and physical fun are miles away...maybe even just a dream.
And why do I feel like, to tell this side of things, is taboo? How many women needlessly suffer in SILENCE? A prolapse is, to many, embarrassing, disempowering, limiting, uncomfortable, depressing..
Why is it OK to make judgments, even seemingly positive ones, about other women's appearance without expecting, wanting or enabling that woman to feel comfortable to give an account of her WHOLE self?
Why, oh why, must we be seduced into believing that our self worth and the definition of ourselves is rooted in our appearance?
It wastes so much of our collective, and personal, time and energy. I look back at the decade or so that I fought with the devil in the guise of an eating disorder and I shudder. What a horrible, disgusting waste of MY life. Nobody else's. MINE. I don't get that back. It's gone. And it's shadows still flit across my life from time to time. Since this whole prolapse business, I've felt those shadows gather into clouds and I am trying to ward off any impending storms.
So, it saddens me when women who are, for example, going to the gym regularly each week, jumping merrily on trampolines with their children, and are healthy....don't LIKE themselves...because they aren't happy with how they look, or feel they need to lose more weight. Because, right NOW this is YOUR life. Whether or not you believe in after life, multiple lives, one life and then oblivion...THIS life is yours and it's happening right now...please, try to love yourself. Liking and respecting yourself is a good start.
In ten years time, you don't want to look back and realise how much time you wasted dwelling in the mode of 'I'll be happy when...'
So, in summary, let's stop competing; be it to look better, or to be the one with the best cake making skills....let's also stop competing about how hard things are...because we just don't know what hides behind what we view as desirable. Let's be honest, about it all! The experiences, the highs and lows, our actual feelings...let's be open to hearing things we didn't expect or that make us reasses our own thoughts and perceptions. And let's be compassionate.
Let's waste less time concerned with the aesthetics and live more fulfilling lives; showing our sons and daughters just what a woman can be: anything, everything...whatever she chooses.
Note: New post relating to this uploaded today ( 28/01/15)
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